winterscursexx

This girl really just hit the nail on the head.

2008-05-26T04:11:52Z

She said: " ...I don't mind being alone, however, feeling alone is a completely different story."
And I just completely agree.

I would love to be alone forever, but it's feeling alone that makes me so sad.

I hate when I just think. It makes me crazy. It actually just makes me really sad to think of what my life has come to and how I feel like I'll never feel good again. I rely to much on fiction to make myself happy, and I don't know how to be a normal person and make good, normal human connections. I just feel so beat down.

I just wish some days that someone would go out of their way to say something that would make me feel good about myself just for a little bit. Sometimes I just need a simple statement or smile to make me feel like I'm doing something right.

I don't know. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to be involved with someone to feel good. Like I wish I could have someone that I didn't have to get to know that would just be there for me through everything without asking questions or feeling like they need to help me. Or maybe I do want someone who just wants me to feel good. I don't know anymore.

I started this entry about twenty minutes ago...

2008-04-27T04:02:14Z

...and I accidentally backspaced, and now I have to start over because it disappeared.

So, I guess I'll start from scratch.

I went to the MCR concert Thursday night (which was more exciting than Voodoo ['05], but less enjoyable), and the show really opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself and how I interact with other people. But this isn't about the show itself (however if you'd like to know about the show itself I could insert my xanga entry), it's about how I learned about who I need to be and what I eventually have to do with myself.

Xanga Link

I guess to fully understand you need to know that where I live now is the first place I've ever lived for more than three or four years. Ever since I was a baby every couple of years we moved cities, and as much as I hate change in general, I love living in different places. We've lived in this city for 6 years so far, and the people drive me NUTS. It's like... I don't understand how some of these people have lived here and grown up with these others for so long. Living in one spot for too long gives someone the opportunity to get to know you to the point that they know how to hurt you, and they know all of your flaws. Being around them too often gives them the chance to hate you, and I don't like giving people that option.

I loved being in one spot for a few years because even the few good friends (or really the ONE good friend) I had didn't have the chance to really get to know me. I could be anyone with those people because they would never fully get to know me. Now I am who I decided to be in fifth grade, and it's just not fair. I'm not who I was then, but it's not like I can take it all back. I don't know how these people don't get sick of each other because I'm sick of them, and I barely know them.

I guess I kind of got off topic, the whole thing is... I'm at the show and inbetween bands I meet these two girls (three if you count Alaina), and I realize that what I need to do is just branch off from the mundane world of high school and become something bigger and better, but I still have two full years plus another twenty something days.

I've come to the conclusion that college in another state is ultimately the best thing for me. I just need to get away from these people, and their ridiculousness.
I just need an escape.
I told my mom I might just take a year off after high school, but I know that's stupid.
But then discussing college is a whole other ball game that I'm not even willing to think about at this very second.

I just wish things made more sense to me right now. :|

tdk essay :X

2008-04-21T21:54:47Z

     Writing is the most personal and meaningful way of expressing oneself. It has the poignant ability to make people challenge ideas and think outside of the box. The Dove Keeper’s main character has influenced me in different ways because he has taught me the importance of interpreting things differently, challenge old ways of thinking, and to love and appreciate who I am as a person.
     One thing that I have learned from The Dove Keeper is to look at things in new ways. One of the main characters is an old artist who has a creative outlook on the world around him. He takes concepts, such as destruction and reconstruction, and finds ways to make them innovative and beautiful. I did not think it was possible to find beauty in destroying things until I thought about how important it is to demolish something with the intentions of making it better. Reading this story encouraged me to think about my flaws and how I could "destroy" them to make me a better person. I decided to stop being shy and uncomfortable with myself, and it made me feel more confident and secure.
     Another influence from the story is how the artist challenged old ways of thinking. The artist was in an unconventional relationship that led he and his partner to rethink what love is and what it could be. I began to think about what my definition of love is. After contemplating what it really means to love, I decided that love was not old fashion or just reserved for traditional couples; it is for people who care about someone else more than they care about themselves.
     The last, and most important, lesson I learned from The Dove Keeper is to be happy with who I am. The artist was passionate about living a happy life no matter if it meant being poor, and it was reflected in his artwork. I knew that to be completely happy with my life and myself I would have to accept my flaws and learn from my mistakes. Since then, I have grown as a person, and I am more satisfied with who I have become.
     In many ways, writing is the most influential way to make others interpret things in original ways, challenge old ways of thinking, and love themselves to the fullest. The Dove Keeper has changed my life and made me a new person.

Ahh.
Sometimes I just wish my mom would stay at work.

winterscursexx @ 2007-09-03T20:10:00

2007-09-04T01:11:28Z

I don't forgive you.
But I definitely miss you a bunch.

So yeah.

I haven't posted in a while.

2007-07-14T04:33:11Z

I could blame it on being busy, but it's actually just because my life is utterly uneventful.
So yeah.

High Grounds tonight.
It was fun.
Logan played guitar on one of the songs because Pierre just wanted to sing. It was pretty cool though. I like watching Logan play. I also like watching their drummer play, but I think that's just because I like drummers in general.

I tried to do that 10 anonymous things to 10 people, but I couldn't think of a way to let you know which one was about you without people being like 'pedo, whaa' so I might do it later.

Hayden finally called.
But I didn't answer because I wasupset.
I called him when I got home, but he said to call tomorrow because he wanted to try to sleep early and wake up early for bandcamp.
So whatever.
I'll call.
We'll fight.
I'll cry.
Same old story.

More later.
The tylenol PMs are kicking in :|

I promise, these are them. :D

2007-07-06T07:20:06Z

AHAA. Alright. After I took this I felt like being a picture slut. So yeah.

Looking gross. I just got out of the shower. :D

My hair is purple now, too, lol.

I love youuu :]
I kinda want to send you this pic.
But I don't know where you live :|